I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?