I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
You Might Also Like
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Going to church you guys need anything
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis