The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
remember
only for emergencies
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
three things we don’t talk about
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no