You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
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Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I identify as an antique shop.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.