“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
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“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you