My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
6: are snakes just neck?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
ACED my prostate exam!
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.