Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
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A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile