[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
why would tinder want me to say this
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING