An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
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A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
He-man has a Masters degree
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”