The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
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There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Taliband
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
This made me smile…
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Buck naked
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.