3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
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HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Hello, my name is Pierre.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I cannot stop laughing at this
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..