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In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
What flavor cupcake are these
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Finally!
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.