I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
crazy
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
All. The. Damn. Time.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.