I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
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It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.