*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.