[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
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I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.