Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
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Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.