Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
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Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Love is always patient and kind.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.