Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
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Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect