The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.