Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.