Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
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If you want my opinion ask my wife
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters