I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
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Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.