As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
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peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds