I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Milk Cube
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.