when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Autocorrect is my menesis
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…