Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die