a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
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Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me