Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Baller is short for ballerina
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like