Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
You Might Also Like
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
What if all the cashiers are married?
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!