I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.