The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
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Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!