Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
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Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Lucky old June.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
concern
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume