If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Only short people can save us
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Admin smashed it 😂
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”