My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
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Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
The A string on my guit_r is flat
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.