That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
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Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.