Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
we all know this pain all too well
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.