I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
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Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[on my way back to the posting caves]