Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
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I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!