What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
*sewing*
A thread
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.