“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
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they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.