I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Free him
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
This kid is going places
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re