Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
You Might Also Like
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
A man of commitment.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
some cats are just doing for fun!
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
dude it’s called proctologist
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket