Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
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My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???