Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
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Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Respect
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
it must be school picture day
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?