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PhewThe Chosen Phew
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Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.