Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
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ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake