This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱