My current situation
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Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.