Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
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ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…